The Hand That Feeds

There is just something about that relationship between a parent and a child! They posses a sense of awareness about each other and a unity that isn't present in any other relationship in both their lives. No one can explain it but everyone can agree to it's divinity.

Pure, Unconditional and Divine.

Scientifically its said that we are born, 'Pre-Programmed' to bond intimately with our Primary Caregiver.

When we're born we possess a bundle of emotions which are in a constant state of flux.

Our first interactive relationship determines how those same feelings develop and how they influence all the later relationships in our lives.

Personally I believe in a particular "Inverse-Positive" theory. Postulated in psychology under various names. Let's see what it's about.

Take a moment to inspect yourself and your attitude towards relationships.

I am talking about both, platonic and non-platonic ones. For ease of understanding, we'll consider non-platonic relationships (Relationships that involve lust and physical attraction in addition to emotional connections). Study your thoughts and keep a clear idea of your attitude in your mind for a minute.

In addition  keep in mind a true idea of your relationship with your parents.

Run over these ideas a few times.

Once the concepts are clear in your mind, read this!:

As human beings, we all crave for emotional connections, the most common one being 'Love'.. Most people are able to fulfill all their desires with the primary relation with parents.. Those who aren't able to do this with that relationship, try to establish another relationship which makes up for all the missing intimacy.

If you understood that last statement, the attitude you have in your mind about relationships will start to make more sense now! Those who have a strong relationship with either of their parents realize that they aren't really that concerned about finding a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. 

They will also most likely settle down because they 'have to' and not because they 'want to' while those who have weaker bonds are always on the lookout for a partner. The strength of the attitude depends on how good/bad the primary relationship is.

The latter group of individuals experience much more happiness albeit for shorter periods of time while the former although not as happy as the latter, experience happiness for longer periods, lasting entire phases of their lives. But know that the former are actually able to establish 'better' relationships than the others. But it's entirely subjective since the person's opinion of a 'better' relationship is just as varied as their attitude.

These are extreme and ideal situations. It is very rare that the primary relationships are either 'Very Good' or "Very Bad'. We usually lie in the middle and within us, some people slightly lean to either side. So don't be too concerned. It's what makes you unique. And that's never a bad thing unless you let it be one!

The Hand is Always There for Us.
Whether We Want to Hold on to it is Our Choice.

Our relationships with our parents directly influence our lives. So we must try to build upon it as much as we can, make up for lost hours and always keep in mind the sacrifices that they have made for us. :-) 

Cheesy, but true nevertheless.

Contact and patience might fade in due course of time, no doubt. The love never does though.

It Lasts Forever.

Signing Off,
Shawn Kenneth Fernandes



P.S: For further reading, you might wanna check out the "Attachment Theory" which correlates the person's behavior in general, with the Primary Relationship. It also includes other aspects of personality. Happy Reading!

Wiki Link: Attachment Theory

And don't forget to comment if you agree or disagree with this theory.

An Endless War Inside Our Heads

I've found myself to be listening to a surprising amount  of music lately. 

I'd like to share a particular song with you. The critically acclaimed Progressive Metal band "Dream Theater"  released a song called "The Enemy Inside" in 2013. Like much of their work the lyrics sparked something in my mind.

Here's a beautiful/painful part to reflect on:

''Over and over again 

I relive the moment 
I'm bearing a burden within 
Open wounds hidden under my skin 
The pain is real 
As a cut that bleeds 
The face I see 
Every time I try to sleep 
Staring at me crying 

I'm running from the enemy inside 
Looking for the life I left behind 
These suffocating memories 
Are etched upon my mind 
And I can't escape from the enemy inside 

I sever myself from the world 
I shut down completely 
Alone in my own living hell 
Overcome with irrational fear 
Under the weight of the world on my chest 
If I fall and break as I try to catch my breath 
Tell me I'm not dying "

The song made me realize that although sometimes we can't control what goes on in our head, we are in fact the reason for such thoughts. The human race is a tricky one and it's impossible to bear the pain of being a part of it . To ease the pain many of us succumb to the dark side only to realize that there is really no fix for the pain. But by the time we realize it, the damage is already done.
The ways we affect ourselves is the makings of a huge list. Unrealistic expectations, unintentional sacrifices, lack of confidence and coherence.....The list can go on and on. The interesting thing is that all of these are self-inflicted.

But that's an article for another day. For now, sit back and introspect. You might just be surprised. 

Signing off,
Shawn Kenneth Fernandes

P.S, For the curious readers here's a link to the lyric video. It is a little intense and long for those who aren't used to Progressive Metal or even Metal! But it's worth the listen. Skip on to 0:54.

  

If you enjoyed this, here is the music video:

And another personal favorite from DT to keep the energy going! Cheers!

Disclaimer:  This blog is not in any way affiliated with Dream Theater. These videos are for educational purposes only.. Enjoy!

Unconditional Happiness

PS: This is one of my older articles. I don't quite agree with everything in this article anymore but since it was crucial to my journey, I decided to keep it online. Read it accordingly!

Okay so today I'm gonna share something somewhat personal. Try not  to cringe! Also, this topic possibly a little contradictory, so if you get lost, give it one more read.

There's was a girl in my class at Goa Engineering College, freshman year. From the moment I met her, I knew we were so alike that we are almost the 'same person' mentally, ideologically and temperamentally. We even share similar problems and levels of emotional maturity. 

I know where you might assume this is going! Slow down.

There's just one problem: We were always in a Like/Hate mindset about each other.

We'd get along like siblings one day, then have an all-out war the next day. This had been going on for as long as I can remember. Confusing right? Let's analyze it.

The reason this happened is because having similar thought patterns, I know that we both couldn't tolerate it when the other person seemed to be an overall better person than either of us. Maybe the other person felt smarter, more confident and what not. Maybe the other person wasn't better than you, but still did seem like it.

Whatever might be the situation, there was always some friction between us.

Opposites bring out the best in each other

They say Opposites Attract, and for good reason too!

In my opinion (and observation), If two people are quite similar to each other, it is quite difficult to maintain a stable platonic relationship. Each one knows how the other one thinks, and can even 'predict' their actions. This could easily lead to a lot of chaos within the relationship. While some would disagree, the level of emotional intimacy in such a relationship isn't the same with a non-platonic one.




Obviously, some level of similarity is quite necessary but it isn't as much as you might assume.

I mean, you won't be comfortable if you and your partner didn't share some interests, mindsets and intelligence too. But again I must mention: Too much of similarity is the problem. There will be intense feelings, and that's always a problem.

Although not necessary, they might find something in the other person which they themselves lack. Something new, exciting, which makes him/her want to stay in a relationship.

There should be happiness, period

You might find that choices like these (Engaging in a relationship, etc) seem like a no-brainer. Having someone exactly like yourself as a partner may seem like a perfect situation. But if you have even a slight doubt about it it's probably not the right choice. 

I hope you've noticed that now, we've gone away from the relationship aspect of the topic.

The correct choice isn't when you 'feel' it's right, but when you know it's right. There's a big difference between the two. It's not when you examine all the pros and cons and come to a decision, but when you don't even need to make such an examination in the first place. It should be the effortless and obvious.

Every big choice in a person's life must be taken this way. The choice must be without the slightest hint of hesitation about whether it's the right one. You are actually quite aware of what's right for you but there are factors that make you think otherwise. This is not some stray piece of advice but rather an excerpt from a theory in psychology. I really can't recall the whole theory, but I'm on the hunt for it. And once I find it, i'll surely share it.

Make your own decisions. They're what make you, 'You'!

Signing off,
Shawn Kenneth Fernandes.

P.S: After a lot of work, we managed to get along perfectly as friends.

Also, down the line, I found another friend who was almost shockingly similar to me, to the point where it was really scary and amazing. She inspired me and gave me hope that there are people out there who could appreciate me for what I am.

Rock on, both of you.

What If

As human beings what holds us back from realizing our dreams? Is it our physical and mental capabilities?

I beg to differ. 

I largely believe that everyone on this planet is capable of doing much more than they have accomplished till now. Our mind is a Goliath, something like a Pandora's Box, full of thoughts just waiting to be unleashed. So what holds us back?

It is quite usually our Subconscious Fear.

The fear of failure ("What if I'm unable to do it?"), fear of success ("If I do it, will I be able to do it again or fail miserably the second time?") and ever fear of reprehension ("If I do it, will my friends be jealous of me").

These fears play a large role in our temperament, but not quite positively.

To cure this we just need to try asking ourselves: "What if?." If you want to do something stop dwelling over the 100 ways it might fail, but rather think about how happy you'd be if you are successful. Children learn from the people around them, that the socially accepted way to live life is the correct way.

Dare to be different!

But think of it this way: Suppose you wanted to color your hair red because you feel it matches your personality, you'd think about how you'd feel odd because no one else you know has red hair.. Even if someone else did dye his/her hair, you'd be put off by the comments passed by everyone else on that person.. Now, imagine you lived in a town where almost everyone has dyed their hair in some odd type of color.. You will not feel out of place and you might even feel a little odd that you haven't already colored you hair..

While this example of mine is rudimentary it is true nevertheless. Social norms aren't necessarily 'right' and might even be insensible sometimes and whether an action is 'good' or 'bad' all depends on the frame of reference. If you want to dye your hair red, DO IT! no second thoughts. Only when we're able to take decisions like these on our own will we be able to unleash our thoughts and that creativity that lies dormant inside.

Only then will we be able to live better!

No one has any power over your thoughts, not even your parents. You as an individual have a right to do whatever you think is a good fit for you. Sure, some advice will help you along the way but you shouldn't let your dreams and ideas be suppressed just because others might not like it. Or else, you'll grow to regret what would've been a great life and will only be left to think about: "What if I had done it?"

It's your choice

The power is in your hands. Are you just going to sit back to let others take it from you? 

Take that step, it may just change your life. :-)



"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." -George Bernard Shaw


Signing off,
Shawn Kenneth Fernandes

A Daydream of Illusion (Intro)

As children we have all spent a fair amount of time contemplating a perfect future. We've dreamt about living extraordinary lives and imagined endless possibilities. And we furiously worked towards realizing that dream.

But somewhere along the way we were forced to grow up. Forced to let go of our youth.
And along with our energy and sense of wonder, our idea of the perfect life too simply disappeared. Slowly fading away, it turned into An Evanescent Dream. 

You may wonder where this is going! Well, all in due time!

Hello. I'm Shawn! Welcome to my blog.

Long ago, I started to document the endless stream of thoughts that used to cause me distress and prevented me from enjoying life as it is, with hope that someone one day could make sense of them. In the process, developing an intense liking for psychology, philosophy and the world. 

I found so much to be undesirable with the world besides what we already knew. Somewhere along the line of evolution of mankind, something went terribly wrong. 

And I embarked upon a journey to find out what that is. 

Pretentious, I know!

Along the way, I picked up one powerful truth: We cannot 'fix' the world as an entirety no matter how hard we try. 

But we do to some extent, have the power to improve our own lives.

This is not a traditional blog where you'd find articles on a particular topic but rather a kind of diary/advice column. I've found that friends and acquaintances regularly ask me for advice and many of them suggested that I start a blog. Well, writing, to me is a great outlet and I would gladly do it if it makes a difference to someone! :-)

One small request before you proceed: An open mind is really important when reading such matter. In essence, you can't be expected to take suggestions explicitly. Points like these will only be useful if you adopt an analytic mindset. Do read everything but only pick up whatever you find useful. Everyone is different and there is no single piece of advice that will simultaneously benefit everyone. Of course, you will learn all this as you read what I have to offer.

See you at the following phase of this nexus. Looking forward to this :-)

Signing Off,
Shawn Kenneth Fernandes.

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